Katie Parker host : reporter : emcee : producerkatie@katieparker.tv

The New Me

When we had our miscarriage a few months ago, I knew it would take a while to feel “like me” again. But I’ve realized through all of this that I don’t think I’ll ever feel exactly like the “me” before we got pregnant. Some traumatic shit went down and we’ve had to figure out how to still do life in spite of it.

I gained weight during the pregnancy, which continued when we had the miscarriage due to my love of emotional eating. So that hasn’t helped me feel great. My hair began to break off again after I finally felt like it was getting healthy (my hair began to break A LOT after I went under anesthesia during my hip surgery in 2017) …hence my new short haircut.

I keep having panic attacks. Mostly when I’m sleeping. I’ll wake up from a nightmare not able to breathe. Right after the miscarriage, the attacks were pretty bad. I felt like everything I care about was going to start disappearing without explanation. I constantly checked my wedding bands on my finger to make sure they were still there. That was my way of reassuring myself Derek hadn’t vanished.

Things continue to feel better and more stable as time passes. But the holidays were tough. Like really tough. Christmas is my favorite time of year. It’s full of joy and hope and magic. I tried to focus on the positives, but the reality is that this year it held a lot of heartache. I thought I’d be buying maternity clothes and receiving baby gifts to put under the tree.

There’s this constant knowledge that I’m now missing something. Like there’s a hole in everything.

Maybe that’ll go away with time or if/when we get pregnant again. Don’t get me wrong, I have many moments, even whole days, where I laugh and feel like I’m doing a good job at enjoying and living life. But there are triggers, reminders, that pop up unexpectedly that still bring me to my knees.

So I’ve been sitting with my feelings, meditating, sleeping, working…just being. And I really am starting to feel pretty good again. I have a new hairstyle to help my hair look and feel healthier. I’ve returned to working out and am slowly starting to feel strong once again. I bought some new makeup and a ring light to use for photos & my YouTube videos.

And today, on a whim, I took some pictures of myself.

It was surprisingly cathartic and ended up feeling like a reintroduction to myself. So I’d like to say hello to you.

This is the new me.

The me who’s been through some shit and still sometimes has to fight to find ways to smile. The me who has even less Fs to give about things that aren’t important. The me who is absolutely ecstatic to hear about your pregnancy or see pictures of your kid, and even though I will feel a little sad for myself, I really want to share in your happiness. The me who is even more incredibly grateful for my husband, family and friends. The me who is a little wiser, a little more bruised, a little stronger. The me who now completely understands that I’m not in control…and that that’s actually really freeing.

Hello, nice to meet you. 👋🏻

I’m Katie Parker. 💗

 

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